Baycation 



I have never not lived on a bay.  I grew up on a river that fed into the Chesapeake Bay a short drive away.

San Diego, Mississippi, Norfolk, and Monterey are all also on a bay. In this way Nick’s gig with the Navy has been a huge blessing because a life away from the water would be a real Charlie Foxtrot.  Bays are the best. So beautiful are they that Journey wrote a hit song about them.  I’d like to talk to you about each bay I have lived on.

Chesapeake Bay.  Perhaps this is the grossest bay I’ve encountered. But I didn’t really know it was gross since it was the only bay I knew about.  Growing up near the bay ensured I would know the words “estuary” and “Delmarva”.  Wouldn’t you know that at the height of my manatee mania an actual Floridian Manatee swam into the Chesapeake Bay.  Her name was Chessie and they wrote a children’s book about her.  Yah know.  Like Nessie but Chessie.

306004_959053981351_1446445845_nSan Diego Bay.  The bay in San Diego is so tight.  It’s filled with Naval war ships and helicopters and subs and jets and naval bomb dolphins.  Also sailboats and paddle boarders.  I love a Navy town.  The bridge to Coronado island is hella scary- way scarier than the Chesapeake Bay bridge (sorry Marylanders).

Bay St. Louis.  Which is in Mississpi NOT Missouri which could be confusing to people who are not familiar with the gulf coast of Mississippi, that is to say, everyone.  One time a bunch of nutria (that is, giant imported swamp rats) drowned in Louisiana and the current washed them up on the beach and they all blew up, literally,  so the state had to bring in hazmat teams to remove them.


Norfolk.  Also the Chesapeake Bay.  Norfolk is full of little waterways making their way out to the bay, not unlike Annapolis, and is part of the reason it was so appealing to me so fast.  Norfolk is right at the mouth of the Bay and brings to mind another bay word: “brackish.”  The major port town brings in thrills like very long container trains and an abundance of rats. Ya beautiful and I love it.  Minus the rats.


Monterey.  Monterey Bay is a marine sanctuary and there are otters.  So, I can say in all sincerity, “Hey Nick!  Look at that otter gamboling in the kelp!” And it’s truly true.   If you don’t love sea otters then you are either lying or dead inside because otters are like a hug made manifest or what an actually warm fuzzy looks like.  Even still, sea otter felt too obvious when I picked my favorite marine mammal and I veered left and chose manatee, which is more like watching reality tv made manifest.  They eat sea lettuce so it’s mostly water weight.  Sea otters do eat starfish which for some reason strikes me as incredibly gruesome.  I think I thought they were depicted with starfish because they liked the conversation or they were just playing with them like a toy.

Thank you bay, or should I say Bae?!  (That was a bad joke that I wrote anyway because I have a massive disrespect for the time you take out of your day to come here and read this).

🎶When the lights, go down, in the city.  And the sun sets on the bay.  Oh I want to be there, in that city. Ohhhohwoooo.  Oh oh ohohoh🎶

Journey does not translate easily to the written word.  Theirs is a language best sang.

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how to curb your baby fever.

  
How to curb your baby fever. A list for crazed mothers. 
-look at pictures of yourself 48 weeks pregnant (not a typo) 

-pregnant sex 😑

-lay on your stomach- do you like doing that?  

-stand comfortably 

– do more than one task a day 

-pick something up from the ground 

-go 30 minutes without peeing 

-drink wine 

-sleep through the night 

-throw up in your mouth just for sport

-wonder aloud of 3 children completely destroyed your urethra or if #4 would cause more damage

-if your boobs look like silly putty now, would another baby push them into Old Testament wine skin zone? 

-talk to your 2 year old.  Imagine doing this while throwing up

-throw up

-break into a light jog

-roll over

-hula hoop

-Look at this picture, take a deep breath, go through list again. 

  
He’s sO SQUISHY!!!!! 

10 tips for busy moms. 

10tips

I’m real busy y’all.  I’m busy doing what we’re all doing: a little work, some picking up of shredded crayon paper, and using my powers of discernment to distinguish between pee or sink water on multiple bathroom surfaces.  The usual.  Here are some tips for you from me.  With love.  😘

  1. Never leave your keys in the door.  Just don’t.  Don’t play with fire.  I need a caravan to move the people and their stuffed accoutrements to the car from the house.  Unless you want to bolt out of bed at 3 am to pull the keys out of the door, just take those suckers out.
  2. Put all liquid going into the diaper bag in a ziplock.  Milk?  Spilled it in the d-bag.  Benadryl?  Spilled.  Sprayable sunblock?  Oh yeah.  Did it.  Twice.  Throw and go leads to heart ache down the road.  The sunblock was a slow burn.  It leaked a small amount at a time.  I only gradually became aware that my diaper bag was beginning to smell like the bay watch set. Who am I kidding they didn’t use sunblock!
  3. Embrace Autocorrect fails.  The truth is, I have too much going on to see what I just texted you.  I’m sorry “someone” got autocorrected to “sims Dubsmash” it’s just that Maisy jo is lapping up toilet water.
  4. Close the toilet lid-see above
  5. Make your bed every day.  This makes it harder for the kids to get kid smut on your sheets, thereby enabling you to wash them less frequently, thereby enabling you to watch The Mindy Project on Hulu.
  6. Keep a scarf handy.  They make PJ’s feel runway ready when Pre-K drop off just sneaks up on ya.  Also, they double as nursing covers.
  7. Keep baby wipes handy.  Kids need a bath?  Baby wipe.  Table needs a clean? Baby wipe.  Silver need polishing?  Baby wipe.  I also buy a huge box at Sam’s and stash a pack in every room.  Because I am so busy lazy.
  8. Put all markers on top of the fridge.  And the play doh.  And the puzzles with small pieces.  Basically anything that promotes learning- relegate it to the dustiest, most neglected part of the house and never get it down.  But look at it sometimes.  Looking at it sometimes elevates your parenting status.
  9. Write everything down.  Everything.  You think I’m kidding.  Get a planner and write it down.  Don’t be a hero.  Just like no one likes the flaky waitress who can’t remember that your table needs more chips, so no one appreciates the mom who forgets every single park date.   It’s okay to forget half.  Just show up to some.
  10. Take it easy on yourself.  Embarrassing shenanigans will happen.  Pre-K crafts and milk bottles and Dunkin Donut coffee cups might avalanche out of your car while your parked next to a Mercedes.  You might forget how stamps work, or show up late, or fall magnificently in front of a lot of people.  But don’t dwell on it.

I’ve got to go take my own advice.  I’d better write that down.  Now if I could only find my keys…

10 dinner activities all parents enjoy.

IMG_6469Dinner is necessary, sure, but is it fun?  That depends on how much wine mommy juice you’re comfortable with drinking while parenting young children.  I kid I kid.  Here are my top 10 dinner activities all parents enjoy.

  1. Desperate Measures: I’m not talking about cups.  I’m talking about how you are totally okay with the fact that your kid is currently naked and piling dog food in his underwear in the laundry room.  Hey!  He’s out of my hair, I can season this meat.
  2. Burn Unit Patrol:  I’m not the most observant person.  In fact, I’m not observant at all.  But my kids can sneak up on the stove with a stool faster than you can stir a noodle.  “No feeling the STOVE!  Go put dog food in your underwear!”
  3. The Chase:  You’ve gotten dinner ready.  Now you’ve got to catch the unsuspecting victims.  And though they’ve been begging for food all day, and dinner happens every day, you’ve still got to entice them to the table.  It’s paradoxical that you can’t get them out of the kitchen while you’re cooking, but as soon as you lay the food out *poof*  Left Behind.
  4. Lying:  You’ve had eggplant plenty of times.  You lurve eggplant.  You know who loves eggplant?  Mickey Mouse.  Mickey Mouse farms eggplant and then Minnie makes soup out of it in the Mouska-Kitchen.  And then their eggplant soup got picked up by Whole Foods and they made enough to add a master bedroom addition to the Clubhouse.  The moral of the story is: Eat your eggplant.
  5. Cajoling:  I feel like I’m the heckler at a major sports arena.  “Eaaat Yourrrr Mee-eat!”
  6. Bathroom Policing:  Ain’t no potty time like dinner time.  Oh I’m not talking about the kids, I’m talking about their dad.  “I know you’re playing games in there!!!!”
  7. Cringing: Can you paint with all the colors of the wind?  Maisy’s favorite medium is sour cream.
  8. Singing:  We have a rule that no one can leave the table until everyone is done.  Unless I have to feed the baby.  Okay, sorry.  I’m just above the rules alright??  But dinner time is our favorite time to sing “Row your Boat” in rounds, or practice Little Bunny Foo Foo.  But often we say “You can’t sing Old MacDonald until you eat your meat!”
  9. Taking Videos and Photos:  A lot of my iPhone pictures are from dinnertime.  But a person has got to do something the pass the time between Owen waffling on about zoo animals to get out of eating anything.
  10. Prayer:  “Dear Jeebus, thank you for dis chicken, and da rice.  And brammy’s house.  Amen”

It’s five o clock somewhere.  Which means you should send up a prayer for parents of toddlers everywhere.  But two more hours until bed time!

Olympic Sports for Moms.

olympic-rings-on-white

Being a mom is not for the faint of heart.  Often taking the kids to the grocery store feels more like starring on the CrossFit games.  Giving the kids a bath?  You’re basically an American Ninja Warrior.  That’s why I think there should be Olympics- for moms!  Our events would be as follows, the qualifier being simply- having a child.

  • 100 meter dash:  From plucking children away from cliff precipices to simply trying to stop Dorito dust from getting on a throw pillow- moms can go from 0 to 60 in a flash.
  • Wrestling (Greco-Roman):  How can a small infant baby be so strong?  But we both don’t want him rolling over on the carpet blanketed with dog hair during a diaper change.  Wrestling toddlers during meltdowns is a special category.  Bonus points if you manage to not get your hair pulled.
  • Dead Lifts:  40 pounds doesn’t seem that heavy until it goes limp in the dairy aisle.
  • Sit + Reach:  I’m not getting up.  I need that.  Streeeeeetch.
  • The One Handed Buckle: A special mom olympic event.  How nimble and ambidextrous are you?  It’s just like Odysseus against the many headed beast.  Use all the fine motor skills you have to save a life. #buckleup
  • Hurdle Jumping:  The phone rings.  It’s upstairs.  Can you vault over a day’s worth of toys?  Can you vault over them while holding a baby?  Can you vault over them holding a nursing baby?  How about a baby AND a toddler?  Hurdle jumping also used in the following situations: “I have to poop!”  “I found the markers!” “Blood curdling scream” “Silence”
  • Mountain climbing:  Do you have stairs?  How many times can you forget to bring the laundry down only to go back up, forget why you did, and forget the laundry basket again?  Lay baby down, descend, hear baby cry, ascend.  Repeat, repeat, repeat.
  • Couch gymnastics:  You’ll have to get your children on the team for this one.  They dismount and somersault better than the Chinese diving team.  “Watch me balance on the arm of the sofa!”
  • Ribbon Dancing:  Are your kids bored?  Dance monkey, Dance!
  • Jumping:  I mean, jumping is really hard.  This event was designed to see whether you have been doing your kegels.  A perfect 10 if you can jump without ever peeing- not even a little!

I’d like to round this post out with some sort of corny encouragement for all of you. You’re all Gold Medal Moms to me!!!

*Can’t forget the dads- They excel in strength training, as in, “Can you carry 200 pounds of beach equipment across the hot sand? K thanks”