Today I was a Martha. I Martha’d so hard today. Giving Mary the side eye, wishing she’d shut up already and clean a dish. Anything. I shot no shit. I was intentional. I did the duties assigned to me. I did and did and then when I was done doing that- I went ahead and did some more. But that was not enough.
My actions screamed “I love you!” But my heart felt heavy and even murderous. I knew at that moment that my sins had pinned Jesus in his place. Today I knew that I was not the person I thought I was. I was not enlightened or righteous- but a grade A terd. It could even be said that today I was promoted from my position of terd to the prestigious rank of Admiral Terd Ferguson.
But today I decided to wrestle through it with God. I looked up into the night sky- with twinkling stars and humming planes- and I told him that I was mad. And that my heart was sick.
And he said “dearest kaley. I’ve done the work. I love you still.”
When I was younger I couldn’t reconcile why the Father would love me. I was always screwing up. I couldn’t keep it together. You know? How about I let a famous hymn sum up my feelings here:
The farther along I travel with the Lord and the deeper I look into my own heart and plumb the depths of my own sin- it’s then that I realize the Father’s great love for me. The importance of his work, and how humbling his grace.
So, until he makes me perfect, here I remain. A butthole. But I am a butthole who has been forgiven and who knows the presence of the Lord. He is unrelenting and loving and awe inspiring.