sunday musings.

Today I was a Martha. I Martha’d so hard today. Giving Mary the side eye, wishing she’d shut up already and clean a dish.  Anything.  I shot no shit.  I was intentional.  I did the duties assigned to me.  I did and did and then when I was done doing that- I went ahead and did some more.  But that was not enough.

My actions screamed “I love you!” But my heart felt heavy and even murderous.  I knew at that moment that my sins had pinned Jesus in his place.  Today I knew that I was not the person I thought I was.  I was not enlightened or righteous- but a grade A terd.  It could even be said that today I was promoted from my position of terd to the prestigious rank of Admiral Terd Ferguson.

But today I decided to wrestle through it with God.  I looked up into the night sky- with twinkling stars and humming planes- and I told him that I was mad.  And that my heart was sick.

And he said “dearest kaley.  I’ve done the work.  I love you still.”

When I was younger I couldn’t reconcile why the Father would love me.  I was always screwing up.  I couldn’t keep it together.  You know?  How about I let a famous hymn sum up my feelings here:


The farther along I travel with the Lord and the deeper I look into my own heart and plumb the depths of my own sin- it’s then that I realize the Father’s great love for me.  The importance of his work, and how humbling his grace.

So, until he makes me perfect, here I remain.  A butthole.  But I am a butthole who has been forgiven and who knows the presence of the Lord.  He is unrelenting and loving and awe inspiring.



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