I’m real busy y’all. I’m busy doing what we’re all doing: a little work, some picking up of shredded crayon paper, and using my powers of discernment to distinguish between pee or sink water on multiple bathroom surfaces. The usual. Here are some tips for you from me. With love. 😘
- Never leave your keys in the door. Just don’t. Don’t play with fire. I need a caravan to move the people and their stuffed accoutrements to the car from the house. Unless you want to bolt out of bed at 3 am to pull the keys out of the door, just take those suckers out.
- Put all liquid going into the diaper bag in a ziplock. Milk? Spilled it in the d-bag. Benadryl? Spilled. Sprayable sunblock? Oh yeah. Did it. Twice. Throw and go leads to heart ache down the road. The sunblock was a slow burn. It leaked a small amount at a time. I only gradually became aware that my diaper bag was beginning to smell like the bay watch set. Who am I kidding they didn’t use sunblock!
- Embrace Autocorrect fails. The truth is, I have too much going on to see what I just texted you. I’m sorry “someone” got autocorrected to “sims Dubsmash” it’s just that Maisy jo is lapping up toilet water.
- Close the toilet lid-see above
- Make your bed every day. This makes it harder for the kids to get kid smut on your sheets, thereby enabling you to wash them less frequently, thereby enabling you to watch The Mindy Project on Hulu.
- Keep a scarf handy. They make PJ’s feel runway ready when Pre-K drop off just sneaks up on ya. Also, they double as nursing covers.
- Keep baby wipes handy. Kids need a bath? Baby wipe. Table needs a clean? Baby wipe. Silver need polishing? Baby wipe. I also buy a huge box at Sam’s and stash a pack in every room. Because I am so
- Put all markers on top of the fridge. And the play doh. And the puzzles with small pieces. Basically anything that promotes learning- relegate it to the dustiest, most neglected part of the house and never get it down. But look at it sometimes. Looking at it sometimes elevates your parenting status.
- Write everything down. Everything. You think I’m kidding. Get a planner and write it down. Don’t be a hero. Just like no one likes the flaky waitress who can’t remember that your table needs more chips, so no one appreciates the mom who forgets every single park date. It’s okay to forget half. Just show up to some.
- Take it easy on yourself. Embarrassing shenanigans will happen. Pre-K crafts and milk bottles and Dunkin Donut coffee cups might avalanche out of your car while your parked next to a Mercedes. You might forget how stamps work, or show up late, or fall magnificently in front of a lot of people. But don’t dwell on it.
I’ve got to go take my own advice. I’d better write that down. Now if I could only find my keys…