Kaley is crying because:
How did I get here? Today I am 30. It seems like just yesterday I was offered a children’s menu at the tender age of 22. Today I don’t even get carded on account of my smirk lines. True, smirk lines are better than frown lines, but they’re lines none the less. Better because they let everyone know I’m nice enough but I’ll probably laugh if you trip. Today I said “I’ll wear more sun screen! I’ll moisturize my legs! I’ll cut out sugar! I’ll never grow old!” And then I ate ice cream. No one will ever exclaim, “hot gam!”, when they see me sashay down the beach. They will say “Where did that gelato come from? What flavor is that?”
Did I squander my youth? Certainly I wish I’d been braver. Maybe I should have done test tube shots at a club. That’s a thing right? Oh my gosh I bet it’s not even a thing. See? Squandered.
I’m too short to be 30. People don’t respect me! This is the time you’re supposed to have your life together right? Well, it was only a few days ago I learned what symbols on my car dashboard meant.
Yeah. I never knew what that meant before. But now that I’m 30- people will expect me to know what most symbols on car dashboards mean. I don’t know guys! I truly don’t!
I rubbed my neck and I swear I feel a dowager hump forming.
I do not own a single pair of sexy underwear.
I wonder if they make manatee underwear.
(Note to self: You might not own sexy underwear because you are a nerd, not because you are turning 30)
I don’t know how to use SnapChat.
I didn’t know any of the pop stars in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade.
I can’t use Twitter. Or Gmail.
But hey, why focus on the negative? I do know how to keep 3 children alive.
I’ll never make this fashion mistake again: