Hi new moms. My name is Kaley, and I used to be one of you. If you ever want to read about that mess- head on over here– but maybe don’t because I was still honing in on how to make fun of my kids in a way that also conveyed my love for them #tricky. Actually, I don’t think I ever made fun of Owen, just myself. That’s why I needed to have several more children, to firmly cement my sense of humor and to displace my tendency to helicopter. “Guys, swings are dangerous. Think about it.”
I’ve been combing through the old blog, with the intention of bringing you the best bits here. I bring you my “Mom Confession.”
Uhm, this is a confession? What am I confessing to? That I am a smart problem solver? This is more like “Mom Life Hack.” This could get me followed on Pinterest. I actually have proudly posted pictures of Maisy Jo and Henry in the sink as I get ready because they can look at you and you don’t have to hold them. “Ya live, ya learn” -Alanis Morrisette.
Here’s a list of things I learned in my first year of parenting taken off the old blog as well. I’ll add notations in bold italics from parent of 3 Kaley.
- Showers are unimportant. Don’t do today what you can put off until tomorrow. Wash your face. Brush your hair. You’ve showered!
- A clean shirt is a shirt that has no visible stains. Sure you may smell bad, but the pee has already dried and it’s sterile anyway. Why change? Why change your shirt with a stain when you could just put a scarf on?
- Dressing up consists of wearing pants that button. I’m only going to Walmart. Who needs real pants? Real pants are for Target.
- Use a hair band for when you can not button your pants. I still can’t button mine. Use the hair band. You’ll thank me later. (Or maybe I’m just enabling myself) No, you’re delusional. After that 9 pounder, there’s no hair band in the world that could get you back into your pre pregnancy jeans.
- You’re not as diametrically opposed to pajama jeans as you should be. This was before tights as pants was an actual thing
- Feeding yourself is hard. Feeding yourself, the baby, the cat, and the dog is REALLY hard. Don’t feel guilty if you can’t make your own baby food when the husband is under way. The cat’s dead, one less mouth to feed!
- I knew breast feeding was important to me. I didn’t realize it was hospital stay, giant boob, 12 + months important to me. I’ll let you know the date and time of my boob job. After 3 more years of nursing and pregnancy, the boobs are just too far gone to even care about getting them a job.
- Each month I become less worried about something terrible happening to Owen. I’m trying to live in the moment. It’s heavy to be in charge of a human. Your own little human baby.
- You’ll most likely compare yourself to and resent moms that have managed to lose their baby weight. Unless you are that mom who lost her baby weight, and in that case… I hate you.
- Last thing. Being a mom will make you cry during Hallmark commercials, even if you have no soul like me. I have my soul back.