Being a mom is not for the faint of heart. Often taking the kids to the grocery store feels more like starring on the CrossFit games. Giving the kids a bath? You’re basically an American Ninja Warrior. That’s why I think there should be Olympics- for moms! Our events would be as follows, the qualifier being simply- having a child.
- 100 meter dash: From plucking children away from cliff precipices to simply trying to stop Dorito dust from getting on a throw pillow- moms can go from 0 to 60 in a flash.
- Wrestling (Greco-Roman): How can a small infant baby be so strong? But we both don’t want him rolling over on the carpet blanketed with dog hair during a diaper change. Wrestling toddlers during meltdowns is a special category. Bonus points if you manage to not get your hair pulled.
- Dead Lifts: 40 pounds doesn’t seem that heavy until it goes limp in the dairy aisle.
- Sit + Reach: I’m not getting up. I need that. Streeeeeetch.
- The One Handed Buckle: A special mom olympic event. How nimble and ambidextrous are you? It’s just like Odysseus against the many headed beast. Use all the fine motor skills you have to save a life. #buckleup
- Hurdle Jumping: The phone rings. It’s upstairs. Can you vault over a day’s worth of toys? Can you vault over them while holding a baby? Can you vault over them holding a nursing baby? How about a baby AND a toddler? Hurdle jumping also used in the following situations: “I have to poop!” “I found the markers!” “Blood curdling scream” “Silence”
- Mountain climbing: Do you have stairs? How many times can you forget to bring the laundry down only to go back up, forget why you did, and forget the laundry basket again? Lay baby down, descend, hear baby cry, ascend. Repeat, repeat, repeat.
- Couch gymnastics: You’ll have to get your children on the team for this one. They dismount and somersault better than the Chinese diving team. “Watch me balance on the arm of the sofa!”
- Ribbon Dancing: Are your kids bored? Dance monkey, Dance!
- Jumping: I mean, jumping is really hard. This event was designed to see whether you have been doing your kegels. A perfect 10 if you can jump without ever peeing- not even a little!
I’d like to round this post out with some sort of corny encouragement for all of you. You’re all Gold Medal Moms to me!!!
*Can’t forget the dads- They excel in strength training, as in, “Can you carry 200 pounds of beach equipment across the hot sand? K thanks”