This is your brain on kids:
Kid brain is a disease affecting almost everyone I know. I have a harder time making it through mommy brain fug when I am nursing. Now my brain ceases to turn on before caffeine is introduced into my diet. And continues to be introduced over and over and over all day until I fall unconscious into bed. Before kids I needed the caffeine, but we’re talking, I can’t form a sentence without it now. I’ll find myself in conversations- and conversating is a skill I excel in- just staring blankly with dead eyes. I’m trying to access the rolodex in my head, but I’m hitting a brick wall. I’m hitting a wall in the way that Ron and Harry hit the wall at Platform 9 3/4. I’m beating the wall and still words don’t come out. I’m throwing a grappling hook at the wall and my feet are searching for traction, but I can’t get over. Sometimes in order to buy myself time I’ll say “Words, words, words…” This is true. My friends are going “Girl, you weird.”
Some things I’ve done while dumb braining are speaking actual garble. Slurring words. Mixing words up. Forgetting the names of common household items such as “couch” and “stove.” Asking Nick how many states there are. Exclaiming in shock “Mel Gibson is Australian?!” Wondering why the receptionist at the pediatrician wants to know the answers to such trick questions as “What is your child’s birthday?” And “Can you write the date?” I don’t know, can I? Can you tell me what year it is? It ain’t pretty. I can’t do simple math, but none of my children have successfully darted into the street. Have you ever wanted to hear one really boring story about my house painter over and over? One where the teller has no idea if she’s told it once, twice, nay five times? Just be my friend. I can fulfill that role for you. I can be your Jar Jar Binks.