When I was still pregnant with Henry, Nick and I went on a date to a Bourbon bar. It was so super hipster that it had charcuteries on the menu which Nick and I immediately truncated* to “charkewts.” We soon realized we were sitting next to a group of drunk young professionals. And one in particular (female, red headed) was just obnoxious enough for me to open up the notes section of my phone to later blow up her spot + on my mommy blog. Firstly she was telling her friends how she “literally could not stop going out to dinner because this is Annapolis for goodness sake.” Her drunkenness was a thorny reminder that I hadn’t had a drop of wine in months. Many, many months. Nick and I gnoshed on fried pickles and aged bourbon while she filled her friends with kids in on how it is to have kids. And I quote (because I’m an undercover journalist just like Zooey Barnes) “I don’t have kids but holy $#* % the tax returns are amazing- so I’m going to travel to Dublin, London, probably Tuscany.” Why don’t you go ahead and pencil Narnia into your travel journal while you’re at it. That’s just as likely to happen. Nick and I are forever getting our tax return and not using it to pay off debt but instead to take our children on long airplane journeys to foreign countries. Maybe you can buy a mini van call it “Europe” and name the pilot chairs “London” and “Paris” because let’s be real. You’re not even up to taking these jokers to the grocery store let alone a Christmas Market in Swiss Alps. “My 3 year old really enjoyed that fresco painting of Mary weeping” said no parent ever. You should probably also learn how to say “Do you sell goldfish here?” in German, Italian, and Polish.
After much speculation on our part we finally learned she was a teacher. Which was alarming because at this point she had consumed so much alcohol that she had the mouth of a turn of the century dock worker. Her parting words were
“Kids these days can NOT solve problems. They’re all like ‘what is 2 + 2?’ EFF YOU!”
But the real word. I hope she doesn’t tell her real life students to eff off when they are seeking help for math. Guess it depends on how much bourbon she’s had.
*I learned that word from my smart friend who went to UVA
+I’ll insert one of those into the post every time the baby throws up in my hair while I’m typing (real life)