Momercise-you’re doing it wrong

I am clearly missing out on the weight loss plan many moms claim to have worked for them- chasing after kids. These moms have never heard of “baby gates” and “yelling.”

Uh but seriously though. I ache at night from carrying around my giant man sized baby that I’ve recently nick named “the man cub.” But don’t worry, my arms haven’t slimmed down, they’ve only become thicker and stronger like tree trunks.  I got tree trunk arms on a rectangular shaped body (because he also blew out my middle). Hashtag what curves?  I’m basically a third grader’s drawing of a robot. “It’s rudimentary my dear Watson.”  I won’t get thin by carrying my children around because the paltry calories I burn there will not make up for the fact that I inhale M&M’s like it’s my job.  And I’m on track for a promotion.

So, if celebrities could just please stop saying lifting their 30 pound baby gave them Janet Jackson abs I would appreciate it.  The truth is they were gorgeous and fit before, so much so that they became famous.  And now after having a baby they are still gorgeous and fit.  Some people that I know in real life also look great after giving birth.  They probably don’t “eat an entire box of cereal” in one sitting and then cry during their pregnancy.  Stop the lies Hollywood.  The reason you look good is because you are starving!!


One thought on “Momercise-you’re doing it wrong

  1. Stop it with the hair already. It’s too good.

    Also: We all wish we could be the Duff. Pre or post baby. She was just destined for fame and beauty. Lizzie McGuire was the original Hannah Montana. I could be getting my stories crossed here. Also I wonder if Hil can sue the movie “the Duff” for malicious slander of her brand?

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