whole lotta nope.

This is a short story entitled “That time we tried to go to a chain restaurant with 2 toddlers and an infant.”  A short story with a long title.  Because that’s how I roll.  #oxymoron  (I’m pretty sure that’s not actually an oxymoron)

Back to my story.  Nick and I, after going to a park, decided to pop* into a restaurant and have someone serve us for a change (said as I give my children the raging side eye).  #servantsheart After all, we had just taken the children to the park and our parent of the year award was on the way.  They had run, slid, leapt, and other action words in the past tense.  A bad juju was upon us.  Immediately upon disembarking from the car (which is a whole thing by the way) the baby started yelling.  I say yelling because Henry has a deep man like cry.  Owen, seizing the opportunity, careens into traffic because he’s a wise and experienced 3 year old MAN and can do whatever he wants.  Maisy weakly mews for milk.

Driven by hunger Nick and I decide to enter the restaurant.  While Nick checks us in the baby’s pacifier pops out and, let’s just say, he’s no longer pacified.  Henry’s yelling segues into screaming and I frantically jiggle his pacifier and shush all while breaking into a pretty heavy stress sweat.  This moment, Maisy Jo decided, is ripe with opportunity.  So she screams.  A bloodcurdling one.  Right there in the dining room.


Nick comes back. “There’s a 10 minute wait” he says. I jiggle for a few seconds longer.  “I don’t want to.”  I simply state.  So we pack up the kids and haul outta there without even making eye contact.  #parentsuperpowers*  I imagine the elderly people clogging up the waiting room at 5 o’clock stood up and started a slow clap as soon as the door shut on us.

But wait!  The story doesn’t end there.

Owen decided to sprint into oncoming traffic yet again.  So mommy does a deep lunge to horse collar him all while dragging Maisy Jo the three feet it took to catch him.  Dad decides he doesn’t know us and runs away with the baby.

And that’s why you can’t just go to a restaurant with 3 baby chil-ren.


*just pop into a restaurant?  lololololol you dummy.

*I’m going a little heavy on the hashtags here.  But my hashtag game is #onfleek


One thought on “whole lotta nope.

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