Let me start with a gentle reminder of my gigantic pregnant belly that insinuated I was carrying, well, a giant baby. As imposing as the belly was, I thought he would just be long. More on that later. Soak it in.
Okay, birth. I spent a lot of time being really, really, ridiculously worried about giving birth. I was afraid that I wasn’t going to have time to get an epidural (that happened with Maisy Jo) so I enlisted the help of a doula to get me through natural childbirth if it came to that. My due date came and went with minimal fan fare. I became increasingly desperate to expel that baby out of my womb. The next day I went for a check up and was only 2 cm dilated. A young and inexperienced medical student had the pleasure of checking my cervix. “I found it!” he exclaimed. I was marginally less thrilled. I went home feeling bummed as it were.
Nick and I took Thing one and Thing two to Target to stock up on various sundries and for me to try to walk the baby out. I started having some regular contractions. I continued to have them in the car. I got home and couldn’t decide whether this was the real deal. My doula came over and after about 2 hours of not painful contraptions 4-10 minutes apart we decided to go to the hospital and get checked. In the car ride things got real. As in “ouch.” So we went and checked in with the surprisingly unfriendly triage lady in L&D. “You’re apathy about my impending doom is really inspiring thank you.” At this point my contractions were every 4 minutes apart but I was only 3 centimeters. I told the nurse that I go fast and she believed me. Also Henry was having some decelerations during my contractions so I got admitted. I did some rounds on the birthing ball- that thing is great- then they decided to break my water. There was a ton of meconium in the water. This was gross and also worrisome as they would have to suck it out of Henry immediately upon his dismount. So I kept laboring under the delusion of having a natural birth. Then the epidural guy came in to have me sign off and give his spiel. We exchanged some witticisms with a pregnant pause every three minutes for an excruciating contraction. I never let that man leave. I said to myself “Don’t be a dum dum. Get that epidural.” After throwing up the rice krispie treat I so woefully decided to eat at Target, that epidural kicked in and it was party city from that point on. I was in transition when I got it. I also almost got baby poop and amniotic fluid that was forcefully being dispelled from my body on Nick’s shoes. He moved JUST in time. Did I mention baby poop was coming out of my own body? Okay, just making sure.
After an hour of chit chat, not sweaty screaming excruciating pain, I told them I had to push Henry out. Can I stress again how painful natural childbirth is and how NOT PAINFUL epidurals are? There’s childbirth that feels like hellfire and death. Then there’s medicated childbirth which feels like pressure. So, I’m just telling you, I’ve done it both ways and getting an epidural ain’t no cop out. It’s just smart. And I felt pressure to do it naturally since I had before. Like somehow I was less of a mother/warrior if I opted out of barfing and shaking convulsively through my entire birth. Anyway, I juiced up on meds and couldn’t have felt happier. But I digress.
They came in. I pushed once. They called the doctor. I pushed again. They told me to wait, those criminals, the pediatrician arrived. Then I pushed Henry out. Then a gush of blood sprayed the doctor in the face. Hah! I knew I’d cover someone in body fluid! I did not tear. I figure I must now have such a cavernous vagina that babies simply luge out of it.
They put Henry on the table. We all exclaim in wonder that he is HUMONGOUS!!! How in the ever loving world was this giant Rob Gronkowski baby inside of me? I’ll never know. Also, the classically classic blue and pink striped hat would not stay on his head.
Henry. 9 lbs 2 oz 22 inches
Unfortunately Henry and I had to stay in the hospital for 7 days for him to be treated with antibiotics in which I lost faith in all Residents ever for ever and always and kiss my butt. The good news is Henry is FINE (praise Jesus!) and now pushing 11 pounds at 1 month of age.