You probably won’t look very good after you give birth. I’m saying probably because you might look good. If you do, everyone else hates you, but if it were me, I’d be happy to be hated if I didn’t have to look like a postpartum bridge troll. Don’t expect to look good though. If you do, it should come as a pleasant surprise, definitely prepare for the worst. Okay, here’s the worst. It’s me. I’m the indicator. I don’t want to share this, but I do begrudgingly, because I vowed to keep it real. (I’m sad)
My entire body is, apparently, allergic to childbirth. Because everything is swollen, even my eyelids. If it were possible for eyebrows and fingernails to swell, mine would have. (I will have you know I tried HARD to find a picture that wasn’t 80% boob, but that’s just not possible. #milk) Do my teeth look swollen here? Anyway, my point is, I’ve set the standard low.
Here’s a picture of Snooki, allegedly 5 minutes after birth. She gave birth pristinely with no body fluids of any sort gushing anywhere.
Uhm, Snooki. Srsly. Did a stork deliver that baby? Did someone power wash off the placenta juice from your upper thighs? How did your hand not swell AT ALL from the fluid they pump in? You’re literally sitting on a reinforced hospital grade pad to catch all the uterine detritus that the body is expelling fast and furiously one hour after birth. Did you have those false lashes on while you were pushing? Did you?? I can’t even with this picture. I’d wager you would come somewhere in between Snooki and I on the – how do you look after giving birth- scale.
Then there is the whole situation of looking pregnant immediately (and not so immediately) after birth. Unfortunately, you are going to cupid shuffle your way into a store (alone or with the baby, people are idiots, it matters not either way) and someone will ask you when you are due. You will say- three days ago, see this baby? Or you will mumble and shuffle away as quickly as possible. It happened to me. And it’s like, come on now, didn’t Princess Kate break the glass ceiling on this?
If they ask me after this birth, my third, I’ll just claim to be eternally and celestially pregnant. “As soon as I pop one out, I start another round!” I mean, see? Your uterus is still enormous. That’s why you have to sit on a puppy training pad and shuffle around everywhere.
Also, some bad news. There’s really not a moo moo big enough to cover your postpartum uterus for a few weeks. You’re just going to have to accept the fact that you’ll be wearing a bizarre assortment of non-maternity and maternity clothes for weeks or months, depending on your uterus’ determination to shrink. You’ll likely look like a wizard trying to dress like a muggle, but everyone is really generous with you and will give you false compliments. “You look great! You just had a baby!” Which is really nice. Try not to smile too big, because you probably forgot to brush your teeth.
My plan is to document my postpartum recovery with you fully. Week by week. You ladies with 3+ kids are thinking “this gal is hella naive!” and it’s probably true. But it’s something I want to do in the name of “keeping it real.” Which totally sucks. But #solidarity y’all.