I’m having a WHALE of a time.


Have you ever seen a beached whale?  That’s pretty much what I look like.  And how I feel.  I’m basically lying around, flopping, thinking about all the things I could be doing if I weren’t beached.  There’s a sad, desperate look in my eyes and my thighs are so huge and my calves are so swollen, that the bottom half of my body does resemble a giant flipper.  I think I’d be a sperm whale because that’s the kind of demon whale Moby Dick was when he terrorized Captian Ahab.  In my metaphor Nick is Captain Ahab.  I would like to interject that I’ve never actually read Moby Dick, I only know of him from allusions made over the years and the fact that Chris Hemsworth is going to be in a movie about demon whales later on this year, century, week (how should I know??)


Anyways, In 5 weeks I will be successfully freed from my beach, until then I will be barely alive, my body weight crushing me slowly as friends and family members mercifully throw buckets of water on me to keep me alive.  I like the buckets of water because who has time (energy) to shower anymore??  I only showered today because a bird pooped on my head yesterday.  That’s right.  A bird pooped on my head and it only took me 24 hours to rinse it off.  To quote Fergie “Oh the glamorous, the fancy fancy!”


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