As the end draws near(er) the dread of child birthing again is now mixed with the fear of raising another infant baby. The modern baby comes with a slew of necessary and unnecessary products. These are the ones I’m not looking forward to getting out of the attic.
The swing. This is not even about the ridiculous amount of floor space this thing is going to eat up- it’s about how everyone in my family under 4 ft will suddenly develop an affinity for said swing. Owen, certainly, and of course Maisy Jo, but especially Twinky, the obese baby cat. And oh. my. gosh. Don’t even get me started on that creepy lullaby music. It’s like listening to the soundtrack from American Horror Story Freak Show.
The bassinet. Sometimes my 3 and 1 year old sleep through the night. SOMEtimes. So let’s just get that baby on in here and disrupt some sleep! Woop woop! I’m feeling pumped! As the laundry situation slowly deteriorates with baby 3’s arrival I anticipate we will also use the bassinet as a makeshift laundry hamper, only to move clothes from off of it onto the floor and repeat that step in a cycle for the next 6 months.
The infant car seat. I could go on and on about car seats, in fact I did once. Man, the infant car seat needs a good clean. And by that I mean it just needs to be torched in the back yard. But we all know that’s not happening. The best part about the car seat is you get to haul it inside and stash it somewhere completely out in the open, probably right next to the swing, and create on big baby traffic jam. Does this enormous car seat disrupt the feng shui in my entryway? Oh this? This old thing? It’s designed by Pottery Barn Kids. You press the buttons on the sides and it transforms into a tufted ottoman. It retails for 2,000 dollars. Worth it, I think.
The baby tub- I don’t care which one it is, there is NO ROOM at the inn for this monstrosity. Who’s bathroom is big enough to house one of these? It’s not like I have the password to the prefect’s bathroom! This mofo is large and my guest bathroom is not. Sorry you wanted to take a shower but this bathroom is now equal parts tub, bath toys, and bleach disinfectants. (If you are a guest in my house, I’m sorry to inform you that roughly 95% of the bathroom has been touched by fecal matter at some point.)
The exersaucer- There’s not even enough floor space at Area 51 to accommodate these obnoxiously large baby holders. I couldn’t afford the “land of nod minimalistic le baby saucer a la modern chic,” you’ll just have to play in this one. Your brother already chewed off the bird’s beak and it’s possible that there’s black mold growing on what used to be a cheerio under that Baby Einstein puppet, but just go with it. You’ll be fine.
I guess I’ll just line up all my baby shiz like it’s a police line up. Welcome to our house. It used to look nice. Then we had kids. If you’re hungry I’m sure if you dig hard enough between the cushions you’ll get a relatively fresh trail mix sort of snack. If you find a dead cockroach, please don’t tell me. Just feed it to the cat.