Tips on Internet comment trolling

Usually I refrain from reading people’s opinions on the Internet. However recently my pregnancy insomnia has left me casting about for things to do at 3 am. Since we don’t have cable… Facebook comments it is!! My personality type (enfp) leaves me very vulnerable to other people’s opinions. I can feel personally offended or deeply jarred simply by what some rando spewed out of their keyboard. I don’t recommend it. I will say I’ve learned some things about people by reading these feeds. Here are some tips from me to you.

Definitely consult spell check if you’re hoping to seem well informed. Do not replace words with letters (u for you) or even words for numbers ( 2 for to) “u imbeciles. Evryone knows that pantyhose are killing the rain forest. That’s y I only wear organic bamboo tights #savetheorangutans”

Steer away from sweeping generalizations. “Everyone who buys Trix cereal is a fascist contributing to the suppression of rabbits.” And also something about republicans and Fox News. That’s always helpful. As a side note it’s even better if you don’t understand what any of the words you’re using actually mean. For instance- I’ve never even heard of Trix.

Don’t rock the suburbs. “Y’all don’t know what it’s like, to be a male, middle class and white” if you’re going to comment it helps to be a minority, or at the very least, a female. Being a white guy is super faux pas.

Avoid this tempting phrase: “Typical”  It’s just so typically typical of you people.  

Do read the article you’re lambasting.  While I love reading headlines and then not reading the article, I do something others find hard.  I don’t comment on something I haven’t read.  Lots of people don’t consider this necessary in the journey they take when commenting.  Hey!  My opinion feels applicable here!  SPEW!!!  

Have a legit profile picture. It’s hard to carefully consider the viewpoint of a person who has a Barney Rubble meme as their profile picture. Are you even a real person Barney? The same goes for a name. James “Snake Eyes” Sanchez feels suspect. That’s all.

Speaking of memes- do post a funny meme instead of a comment.


On second thought- don’t comment at all. Ever. Rise above my little sparrows. Rise above.

And there you have it. A social media guide for the modern person.


2 thoughts on “Tips on Internet comment trolling

    1. Its like, what if someone replies?! Then WHAT?! Also, you werent just trying to make an ironic joke by commenting right? I respect this comment either way.

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