how to go into labor, according to your friends on Facebook.

It is a conundrum that people become so interested in you as you as you decide to pro-create.  People mostly offer advice to first time moms, because after that they might actually know what they are doing and be able to knowledgeably defend their birthing decisions.  Where’s the fun in that?

About a week before you are due, you are going to start seeing inquiries about your current state of labor.  These are sincere and nice, but also make you feel bullish because you are the actual size of a bull with the temperament to match.  My condolences to anyone who goes past their date.

As soon as you advertise that you are nearing or past your due date then suggestions will start pouring in. For your convenience I’ve listed the most popular suggestions you might find lobbed your way- or hurled, depending on the sender.

Eat spicy foods: “I ate chipotle peppers straight from the vine and was in transition 15 minutes later.” This will not happen to you. You’ll get heartburn. Just heartburn.

Sex: Oh come on really? This suggestion comes from only your boldest friends. The pot stirrers. They were looking for a way to drop this bomb on someone and it never ceases to give them a little thrill. There is an overwhelming chance this will not work.
Pregnant wife  “Hey babe, I think my mucus plug is getting loose- let’s have sex and speed this baby train on up”
Nervous husband  “Did you say mucus plug?”
Give your husband a pass.

Sitting on a balance ball: I bounced on a ball through 2 seasons of vampire diaries before I gave birth to owen. It sped up nothing. It did make the ball a little nervous though, on account of my maternal fat stores.  “I have limits you know!”  Shut up ball! Stop judging me!

Walking: This may or may not work. But you could probably walk to Timbuktu and back and still be 2 cm dilated. Hell, you could probably jazzercise and if that baby is of a mind to stay in- he’s staying in. Personally I like to take the time closest to my due date to lay on the couch and be grouchy.

Hey, if you need to, beg to be induced, and if that doesn’t work make your intimidating husband demand it. This is sure to incite ire among your crunchy friends: “Don’t you dare get induced! I find it best to pre-labor inside an isolated Mongolian yert. #namaste”

You do you- but heed my advice. Eating a spicy burrito at 40 weeks will not send you running to labor and delivery, just the runs.


2 thoughts on “how to go into labor, according to your friends on Facebook.

  1. I once ate half a habanero straight (no chaser), in order to induce my first offspring. It gave me hiccups, heartburn, AND diarrhea. And that baby happily stayed where he was. #namaste

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