bringing it back.

Pregnancy is a lot of things.  Some might even say it’s sexy.  Okay, I’m calling it.  It’s really not.  Here are the unsexiest things I do while pregnant.

Waddling.  My pregnancy waddle is about as far removed from a Victoria Secret cat walk as hipsters are from Olive Garden.  Nothing says sexy like lumbering into a room and plopping into the nearest comfy chair.  Where are my chips?

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Heavy Breathing.  Maybe this doesn’t happen to everyone.  I’m 5′ tall.  I’m carrying this baby high and the truth is I can’t breathe anymore.  Ever.  In any situation.  Nick really likes it when I sit close to him and breathe in his ear.  While eating chips.  Or if I have to walk up a flight of stairs my heavy breathing is punctuated by intermittent grunting.  “Hold on guys!  I’ll catch my breath in about… Three more months!”

Being dumb.  If being smart is sexy, then I’m definitely not sexy.  I’m spending the day trying to figure out life’s great riddles, such as, “Where did I park my car?” and “What is my phone number?”

Tweedle Dee figure.  Some women can look sexy pregnant.  Or at least, some models and celebrities can.  I’ve seen it done.  While pulling on my maternity pants I was struck by how closely my body resembled a weeble wobble.

Not being able to put on my shoes.  I know it gets really steamy when Nick watches me struggle to pull on a boot.  For two reasons.  I can’t bend and my feet are swollen.  When I say struggle- I mean struggle.  Think Everest.  It’s a battle worth fighting because I will not get crocs.  I should probably just get crocs.

Hitting inanimate objects with my butt.  Some of you might do this on the reg, if you have a naturally big booty.  If I’m avoiding doorjambs with my baby bump, then I’m hitting strangers with my lady hump.  “Did I just knock the keys off of the table?  With my butt??”

Getting really worked up about dessert.  Threatening your husband with death unless you get a sundae is invariably not going to get his motor running.  Just saying.  But dessert will get mine going, so get me some damn dessert.  Not everything is about YOU!  It’s about ME!  FOR NINE MONTHS!!

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