Depending on who you ask, pregnancy is beautiful. Depending on who you see at the beach, moms can be in a bikini after giving birth. If you’re one of those moms getting nude pregnancy photos and looking like a model at the pool with your infant, this post is not for you. This post is for people who know the struggle and whose bodies made the bikini decision for them. (#neveragain. RIP bikini)
Here are the top 5 situations my body had put me in that I had absolutely no framework for before birthing babies.
1. Peeing my pants. Constantly, consistently, sometimes even copiously. Just a low level leak 24/7. Sneezing, laughing and squatting. Don’t even get me started on the gym. #pantyliners
2. Mastitis. I got myself locked up in the surgery ward for a mastitis infection gone awol. While the rest of the hospital was fancy and great, the surgery ward was something out of a Soviet era war movie. And it was a training hospital. Do you know what that means? Lots of residents. Surgery residents are the top gun pilots of the medical field. I was basically surrounded by 15 hot men in their mid 20’s with no bedside manner training. Hey guys! Wanna look at my hot infected boob? Today it’s really scabby and the skin’s peeling off! When they took me down to surgery the attending resident shared with me that this was his first time initialing a patient for surgery. I responded enthusiastically “And it’s a boob! You get to tell all your friends!” Then blissfully I was put under anesthesia. I have a pair of gloriously uneven saggy boobs as a souvenir.
3. Pregnancy nose. Some women don’t get pregnancy nose. Those women are the one’s featured on the cover of “Pregnancy” magazine. The rest of us just look like extras from the dwarf army in The Hobbit. I’ll post a selfie once my nose gets back to normal, 3 months postpartum.
4. Mom Fashion. Tights. Yoga pants. Basically I’m down for any kind of pant that has no real button. Leggings, Jeggings, Spanx. A winning combination for sure. There’s some saggyness that ain’t going away and I like to be comfortable when I’m sitting on the bathroom step stool listening to my toddler sing “Wheels on the Bus” for an hour during potty training. Some people think leggings are an atrocity against fashion. These people are called “haters” and someone needs to tell them high fashion fanny packs have been featured in several prominent magazines. Surely this is a better reason for a call to arms than leggings. #justsaying
5. Saggy boobs. It bears repeating. Pregnancy and copious amounts of breast feeding gets the girls looking like a half deflated water balloon. One must carefully arrange one’s nipple inside the bra cup. Otherwise they’ll get all cheeky and you’ll end up looking like you’ve got some googly eyed chesticles. I held out hope that my boobs would remain perky after breastfeeding, but I was misguided and naive. Perk up! There’s always underwire!