Usually I like to hate on my giant pie hands, or even my spaghetti noodle boobs- but let me bring your attention to another member of my body who is blowing it postpartum. I’m talking to you Sasquatch feet. You are the worst. I went to the outlets by myself the other day and decided to try on shoes after already dragging the kids around in my Buick sized double stroller for hours. (I realize I said “by myself” because we can safely assume my children are with me. I meant that I was the only adult)
I walked into Aldo. Well, I say I walked, I opened the door with one hand while trying to channel the strength of 10 bears into the other arm to push the unwieldy stroller in. We get in. It’s a sit and stand so Owen promptly throws off his Thomas boots and starts running down the aisle cackling with glee. While my shoeless toddler runs barefoot, my cookie faced baby starts whining. Which is acceptable, because I’ve forcibly detained in her stroller Guantanamo for hours. What was I doing here again? Oh yeah, looking for sandals.
Sandals. Were you invented for slim footed Barbie ladies without bunions or corns? I guess. Okay, I don’t have bunions, but I do have giant feet. Because gravity. And babies.
So, this petite and obviously gorgeous sales girl, she’s like 19, and everyone knows 19 year olds are the worst. Think back to yourself at 19. I certainly wasn’t the best version of myself. Anyway, she comes to just stand near me as I try to grab at my caterwauling toddler every time he passes. She does not help me find my size, she offers little, she just stands there, judging me. And I get sweaty when people judge me. So, now I’m sweating. Profusely. Owen dances to Lourdes in the background.
“I’m going to look at these sandals now” I say. I squeeze my foot in some supremely unflattering sandals with an ankle strap.
“These give me cankles” I tell the pretty girl. “They look waaaay better than the last pair” She says. I get nervous. I start saying things like “My feet got really wide after having children, I’m having a hard time finding flattering sandals.” To which she replies, disgusted, “Oh, does that really happen? My friend is pregnant and her nose got really wide” She says as taps her nose.
“I’m going now, Byyyyyy yeee”
Better stick with shooties.