leaf pile.

Because Nick and I are busy raising two infant baby children, sometimes we neglect our yard work duties.  In the fall, we left a leaf pile in the side yard.  Because I worked in a farm supply store and because my dad is a landscaper, this gave me waking nightmares.  It got to the point where, as I stared out the playroom window, I imagined my neighbors chatting at their mailbox were smack talking me.  “Ew.  Look at her tacky leaf pile.  This neighborhood is really going down the sewer tubes.”

Nick was gone on the first sunny weekend we had had in many moons, but I had to get at that leaf pile.  I know what happens in leaf piles.  Bug orgies, that’s what.

I should have known this mission of mine was cursed from the get go.  Maisy was down for a nap and just as Owen and I had secured our rain boots and walked out the door, there came the Jehovah’s Witnesses, waltzing up the driveway.  Don’t ever say God isn’t merciful guys, because Owen executed a truly spectacular face plant as they handed me their Easter brochure so they hastily excused themselves as Owen jumped up and ran for something dangerous.  “There will come a day where I talk to you about your cult, but it is not this day!”  #144,000

Sorry, I was talking about bug orgies.

I knew bugs were in that leaf pile.  I chose to ignore this fact because I’m absolutely (horror stricken, faint hearted, terrified, spooked, perturbed, horrified, suspicious) scared of bugs.  Besides, maybe they were all still asleep from the cold spring we’re having!  Glass half full.  I put Owen back inside for his nap and really got started.  I had done two leaf bags before he went to sleep and nothing scary happened.  Then I decided to rake the leaves closer together and away from the house.  Crickets jumped.  A giant (okay, medium) wolf spider sprinted up the wall.  I hit him with the rake and took a deep breath.  I put on my “do work” pants.  “Let’s go” I told myself in an Aziz Ansari voice.  You have to understand, this leaf pile was like bug paradise.  The bottom layer was putrefying, a perfect food source for disgusting low life criminal bugs.  The top layer was dry, a perfect place for nightmarish predatory bugs.  I’m pretty sure I saw a beetle selling time shares.

I saw a grub.  I kept going.

I saw beetles.  I kept going.

As I was attempting to close my fourth bag a GIANT beetle started crawling out.  Like, some sort of rhinocerofied stink bug.  “As long as he doesn’t fly, I can keep going” I thought.  What do you think happened?  Yeah, that mofo spread his wings and took off.

Then when the possibility occurred to me that there may be snakes in the leaf pile, I gave up.  This was a job for a man.  A husband type of man who is not me.  Neighbors be damned, I’m not going near that pile again.

And that’s why the Bible warns against laziness because if you were industrious, maybe there wouldn’t be a beetle selling time shares to a bug orgy in your side yard.

Please check out this guys hilarious bloggering about why he thinks bugs are the worst.  They are!


4 thoughts on “leaf pile.

  1. The big mosquito is by far the funniest bit in that whole hilarious post. However, I’d venture an opinion that yours is just as funny, if not funnier. The thought of a beetle selling time shares is just all the funny.

    Also, there was a time in life where I liked bugs, and thought it was great to play with them. But I was five, and then I grew up and realized what little shits those bugs really were.

  2. I am crying, because I”m laughing so hard. And guess what. It’s almost April and I’ve only seen 3 roaches!! This cold better stick around for a loooooong time!

  3. Oh man… I would not have gotten near that leaf pile! And I nearly had a heart attack reading that bug article haha they are terrifying. Except for the good ones (yay ladybugs). 🙂

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