The second go round. Pregnancy. What can I say? My last blog I spent talking about bleeding gums, my expanding waistline, and other shocking things to me. Now that my entire life is a giant hot mess, it’s not like I’m surprised that I pee my pants when I sneeze. Or walk. Or think about pee…
Here are my musings on my second pregnancy. (Men, you might want to stop reading. No really, I’ll know if you have, by the way you are unable to make eye contact with me)
I really, really don’t make sense. Words come out in the wrong order. I spell things wrong. I have pregnant fat fingers while texting. The worst is when people talk to me and I have no idea what they’re saying. I know they’ve said something, it’s just I’m not sure what it was. So then I just stare at them.
Man, when did everything get so saggy? First pregnancy I was all excited my boobs grew two sizes. Now they’ve still grown two sizes and they’re not any perkier than they were after weaning. But they are huge. Like, their own gravitational pull large. I’m pretty sure there’s an equator and a few different time zones. Oh, and my nipples are the size of dinner plates. After I’m done breast feeding this baby I’ll just be left with flapjacks, but I could probably still get them into a C if I roll up all that stretched out skin into a molded bra cup!
Who are these women who can tie ribbons around their torsos and look cute? If I did that the ribbon would be immediately devoured by my gargantuan breasts. People with long torsos make me sick.
I haven’t seen my underwear or upper thighs in a month.
My snoring is such that it sends Nick to the couch at night. Hottie with a body, right here. I’m referring to myself. And I’m being sarcastic. See? I don’t make sense anymore.
Did you know pregnancy gives you cavities? If so, I should have right around-oh-15 cavities. Since I haven’t seen a dentist in about as many years.
I feel like I’m going to stop. My cloudy brain cells tell me that I’m just being gross, not funny. So peace out y’all! I’ve got to go gain another 30 lbs before June 23! Or 24. I’m pretty unclear on my due date. Poor, poor second baby. I still love you boo!